Before Asking for Her Submission, Have You Submitted?

I grew up without my father.

Other than my uncle and auntie, I could not name a single happily married couple in my life. Even in my small Muslim neighbourhood.

But my mum raised us well, so I never gravitated towards toxic role models, like many fatherless boys do.

But as I grew up, the need for a father figure became desperate.

I turned to 4chan and Reddit forums on masculinity and social dynamics —

letting kuffaar teach me how to deal with women.

I saw girls my age chasing drug dealers, fraudsters and players.

"This is what they like so I need to be cold and toxic too."

But they never ended up happy. Left broken, abandoned and scarred.

"If being toxic doesn't work, and Muslims clearly are failing, who do I learn from?"

Then I reflected on Surah Nisa as a teenager, and I saw what I knew deep down:

A woman's submission is conditional on a man's righteousness — not just him being a husband.

For the first time, I saw the weight of those words.

Not privilege.

Not control.

Responsibility.

I sat with my tea going cold, staring at the word qawwam.

• ق و م – To stand, maintain, establish.

A man must be upstanding before expecting a woman to follow him.

Yet I was arrogant.

How dare I expect to be obeyed when I don’t obey the Prophet ﷺ?

I would see certain guys get all the girls, but…the girls were never happy.

They wrestled with uncertainty, holding on to thin hopes of their man changing.

They never would.

"I refuse to let the woman I love exist in perpetual emotional turmoil."

Allah will hold me to account for all the pain and suffering I cause strangers, let alone the mother of my children.

I am committing to:

• Take the Prophet ﷺ as an example.

• He was successful in every endeavour. Kept a blessed marriage with nine women simultaneously at one point by leading with kindness, mercy and emotional intelligence.

• Protect, provide and guide myself and my family before bringing a woman into the equation.

• Commit to the business. Guard your siblings from haram influence. Who says you'll wake your wife and kids up if you won't wake them up for salah?

• Master my emotions.

• Women will test your patience and resilience. They are always subconsciously measuring your strength and leadership.

• Learn to overlook mistakes and be humble when admitting wrongdoing. Consult them in your decisions.

• Remind them how you expect to be treated.

• She's your wife, not your buddy. Romance her and have fun together as your Prophet commanded.

Juz 5 Reminds Me:

This Surah is about marriage, inheritance, submission, and jihad—before exposing the hypocrites.

• It reminds me of the qualities I need before marriage.

• Of the traits I must embody to keep one.

Before asking a woman to submit to you, have you fully submitted to Allah?

Do you pray in the Masjid?

Do you keep your beard?

Are you generous with people?

Too many men are satisfied with mediocrity.

• A low salary.

• A mouldy council flat.

• Praying only the faraaidh.

• Never romancing their wife.

You can be poor and happy. But if you deprive your wife of both provision, leadership and intimacy, why wouldn't you expect problems?

Not me. I want to be successful in every endeavour, in the dunya and akhirah.

I want multiple wives.

I want to make millions.

I want to give my family the life I dreamt of as a child.

Do you?

Until next time,

Hamza.